My fingers brush my hair. Knots and tangles….similar to the journey I’m living. My eyes gaze down. I view my belly. I think I’m unattractive because I lack self control. Ironically, we loose self control when we break free. I was in control. I’m coping- it shows in my belly. Honestly. I don’t wan’t to speak. I just want to eat. I don’t want to create. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to create. But, I create to try to release.
In my apartment I lay on the floor with my dog Leo. He lays next to my feet. I hear him snore. I wonder if he’s breathing heavy because of his recent weight gain.
Leo’s fat. More like gutty. Just like me. I’m sorry Leo.
I enjoyed walks around the neighborhood. My daily routine. For some months Leo and I have slacked on our daily routines. When at home we sit in our apartment because I’m anxious to leave. Honestly. I don’t want to speak.
We were together since we were sixteen. I loved him, but he wasn’t for me. He knew this from the beginning. I gave it a chance, then fell in love with the unseen. Fast forward I’m twenty three. I hate math. What’s 23 minus 16?
I tried to leave. On and off. 2 years of contemplating to finally find the strength in me. Fast forward to last year it was the beginning of the end for me. I found strength.
I tried to leave.
I sit in my apartment because he stole my peace. Wandering and calling…
I enjoyed walks around the neighborhood. My daily routine. Phone calls and show ups unexpectedly. I sit in my apartment because he stole my peace. When at home we sit in our apartment because I’m anxious to leave.
I just want to eat. I just want to sleep.
We drive miles away just to walk and find free.
I tried to leave.
I’m a lover.
not a possession for dreams.