One week later…

Last week, I attended a workshop at my school’s campus to gain insight on college transfer. During the workshop, there was a time period in which I zoned out and got lost in thought(s). Lately, life has me anxious. Whether I’m ready or not, changes are approaching. I quickly shifted away from thoughts, returned, and refocused my presence. Something was calling my attention, but timing was inconvenient. I knew I needed to return to these thoughts and check back in again soon. Here I am one week later..

It’s evident I’m an advocate for vulnerability and expression. I believe humans don’t express their authentic self enough. We all guard ourselves, even when unnecessary.  Sometimes I, too, am embarrassed, shy, scared, nervous. Actually, most of the time I am. New beginnings and challenges intimidate me… Here is my truth, 95% of the time I AM scared of cultivating change.

Several times we doubt and fail to believe in ourselves. Again, you are not alone. As grand as the sea’s mysteries, there’s an ocean of possibilities and potential that awaits each and every single one of us. The duty is figuring out the variations of coping with this grand sea – jump, dive, swim, sink, float. In order to successfully survive in life, every species must adapt to change and challenge. Intentions should match environment as well as personal capabilities. Right now,  I’m figuring out when it’s right to accept or walk away from challeneges – I’m learning to adapt. I try to be kind to myself and I want to believe I’m strong, confident, and capable of anything. Some days I honor who I want to be.  Other days I fall weak and victim to emotions and life.

Once the workshop ended, I walked to my car, quickly got in, sat down, and stared off. Palm of my hands over my face.  I gave myself a moment (typical me). Thought:”The future looks too blurry!”. I was alone in my car. I was alone. All I had was me. All I wanted was to be alone. All I truly needed in that moment was me.

At some point during my walk to the car, I wanted to run to someone, and distract myself from fear, but I couldn’t run away. It was time to confront fear. During the workshop an old friend of mine sat next to me. His breathe had a heavy sound. I knew he was nervous too, not because of the workshop, but for what’s in store for the future. Concerned, I asked “Do you have anxiety too?”

Honestly,  I wanted to hear someone express what I was feeling. I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this state of fear. My friend gave me the response I expected.

It appears we’re all scared of some type of change.  Yet, it seems fear heightens as we get closer to achieving and/ or obtaining goals. We each have wishes,dreams, and goals. Some of these dreams or goals are far-fetched. I giggle when I say my dreams out loud. I think I sound crazy for dreaming so big.

I see the facial expressions that react to what I want out of life. Some of these facial expressions are a reaction to what I’ve said, other times these reactions are a false reflection that project my own insecurities.

I drove off from the campus parking lot, and cruised far down memory lane. I drove to the unpleasant parts of me- the scars. I knew I couldn’t appreciate the beauty without rememberance of the ugly. I traveled to the past and future.  I tried to remember words I hold close to my heart from those I love. I was blank, which forced me to believe in myself in that very instance. Why do we fear believing in ourself?

It’s difficult for me to accept that the most confident and successful person in world wasn’t once fearful of the future. We all experience fear, but those who reach new dimensions are the individuals who operate fearlessly.  To believe in oneself the individual must analyze assets and weakness. Predictions, desires, and plans are unforeseeable. Therefore, I’ve decided to trust myself. I accept the challenges, and sometimes the challenge is walking away. Yet, when you begin to trust yourself you’ll realize there are always choices. The power comes from choosing what’s specifically right for you.

Til next time.
B E      F E A R L E SS,

Amaris Jacobs.

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